Category Archives: Investigations

Patty Hearst’s Pooch Steals Westminster Prize

UPDATE: Beagle Digs Up “Best in Show” at Westminster

lily-window-gazing.jpgThe aptly named Beagle, “Uno”, was awarded Best in Show at the 2008 Westminster Dog Show.  A special thanks to our Florida cousin, Pepper (also a Beagle), for breaking the story.  Apparently, Wag the Dog’s very own Lily the Beagle was asleep at the wheel on this story.  More likely, she’s sitting at home staring out her window watching for rogue squirrels.  That’s Lily over there (picture me pointing my paw to the picture at right).

Anyway, congratulations to Uno – the very first beagle to win Best in Show.  Read the entire story here.

French Bulldog or Symbionese Liberation Army Attack Dog?

patty-hearst.jpgWESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB (New York) – Imagine standing in line at your local bank when you hear a woman scream, “I’m Tania!  Up against the wall, motherf*****s!”  Chances are this happened to you if you were in the west-central San Francisco branch of the Hibernia Bank on April 15, 1974.  That’s the day Patty Hearst, kidnap victim turned girl terrorist, toted a machine gun to rob the bank with her radical (SLA) captors.  [source]

Fast forward to February 11th, 2008.  Enter Diva, the French Bulldog belonging to Patty Hearst (now known as Patricia Hearst Shaw).  Diva, whose champion’s name is “Shann’s Legally Blonde”, earned a red ribbon as Best of Opposite Sex – a male dog, 3-year old “Windmarks What A Guy”, won the breed while Diva was judged the top female.  Essentially, Diva came in second place. Obviously distraught from not winning the Best of Breed top prize, Diva reportedly sprang into a rage and attacked judge, Mr. Fred Bassett, nearly ripping his throat from his neck.  After authorities subdued Diva and placed her in a cage, she immediately started to claim her innocence.  One onlooker reportedly heard Diva state, “I was kidnapped, given a REALLY stupid long name, and forced to perform in this dog circus against my will.”

According to Detective McGruff, chief crime dog, “She’s mcgruff.gifobviously setting herself up for a Stockholm Syndrome defense, which worked for her owner in 1976 when then-President Jimmy Carter commuted her sentence.  Unfortunately for Diva, the big guy in the Whitehouse now is a mean son-of-a-bitch.”  Adding, “She really screwed the pooch when she attacked that judge.”

Ole is Wag the Dog’s sole Investigative Journalist.  He’s taking a few days off to enjoy New York City after being forced to spend two full days with snobbish purebreds while reporting from the Westminster Kennel Club.  Fellow staff at Wag the Dog have placed bets, and the consensus is that Ole will return to Minneapolis reeking of French Poodle. 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane!

Or is it the real life Underdog?

FLORIDA – The Associated Press reported this weekend that a black labrador retriever named “Jet” survived a six-story leap from a Tampa airport parking garage.  The police, Jet’s owners and a vet all say the 2-year-old dog accidentally jumped over a parking garage railing on New Year’s Eve and walked away from the landing 60 to 80 feet below. [source]

His owners are Clayton and Jessica Tieman of Largo, FL.  They named Jet for the sheen of his black fur, not for any flying abilities.   Nor is the dog named after John Travolta’s son, vinnie-barbarino.jpgJett.  And speaking of Travolta, check out this sad story from last year about how the Scientologist refuses to seek treatment for his autistic son OR use his movie-star status to join other celebs in raising funds for autism research.  Wag the Dog tracked down Vinnie Barbarino – Brooklyn native, James Buchanan High School alum, and long-time friend of the Travolta family – and asked him to comment on the story, and he said, “What?  Where?  Why?”  When asked to clarify his statement, Barbarino added, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”

Anyway, not everyone is buying this as an “accidental” leap from a parking garage.  polly_purebred_300.gifWag the Dog has interviewed a confidential informant who witnessed the entire ordeal.  A local ace TV reporter, who prefers to remain unnamed, tells Wag the Dog that Jet did not accidentally leap over the garage railing.  Instead, he was tossed over the railing by a gang of thugs belonging to the Riff Raff Mafia.  She knows because she was there, hiding underneath a nearby car.

The mafia, named after local crime boss Riff Raff, consists of Sandy the Safecracker, Mooch (the Mafia’s top gunman), Spinny Wheels (who drives the Mafia’s getaway car), Dinah Myte (the Mafia’s greatest bomb tosser) and other riff-raff.jpgunnamed members.  According to our source, Jet was dogpiled (pun intended) by the Riff Raff gang before he was eventually thrown over the railing by Mooch.  Apparently, last November, Jet foiled a Riff Raff Mafia plot to rob a Tampa-area Sun Trust Bank.  As payback for interrupting their plan, the Riff Raff gang followed Jet to the airport and, thinking he was alone, attacked and threw him over the railing.  Wag the Dog believes it is Jet – not the lovable Shoeshine Boy – who is the real Underdog.  Otherwise, there’s no way a common dog could survive a 60+ foot fall.

Wag the Dog tracked down Riff Raff at his secret Boca Raton complex that’s only accessible via a fake door in a palm tree.  The tree is actually an elevator that transports you down to Riff Raff’s den.  However, Riff Raff had no comment.

UPDATE:  It appears I’ve over-estimated the cartoon knowledge of the Wag the Dog key demographic – hot women in their mid-30’s.  After interviewing our publisher’s 30-something year old wife (who happens to be gorgeous), we’ve learned she has no clue as to the background of the Underdog television series or the significance Sweet Polly Purebred go-go_gophers_300.gifand Riff Raff play in the storyline.  It seems our publisher’s wife did not have the opportunity to enjoy the thrilling adventures of Underdog in her youth.  Therefore, it’s highly unlikely future posts will include any references to the Go-Go Gophers, and most certainly NOT to Kondike Kat.  We want you to enjoy our writing rather than having you say “I don’t get it” after each posting.  And, in the event you have five minutes to kill, enjoy part of an Underdog episode featuring Riff Raff and Mooch:

Lily the Beagle is the Wag the Dog crime reporter.  She refuses to join the rest of us in our belief that Underdog is a black lab instead of a lemon beagle.  Additionally, Lily promises to do whatever it takes to steal Underdog away from Pretty Polly Purebred, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  According to Lily, “Polly is a  royal bitch and doesn’t deserve Underdog’s sweet love.”

WARNING: Your Super Bowl Festivus Could Kill You!

Studies point to numerous health hazards associated with Super Bowl celebrations

AP – More than 10 years ago, George Costanza submerged the world into a delicious, creamy concoction of healthy controversy when he double-dipped a chip on national TV.  The act of dipping a chip, taking a bite, then going back to the dip with a half-eaten chip in hand is a widely used snacking strategy employed by people throughout the world.  Double-dipping does not discriminate, and it’s a public health hazard.  Or is it?  You be the judge.

Clemson professor Paul L. Dawson, a food microbiologist, was so intrigued by this exchange that he decided to investigate.  The results, to be published later this year in the Journal of Food Safety, found that it is a little bit like putting your whole mouth in the dip.  On average, three to six double-dips transferred about 10,000 bacteria from the eater’s mouth to the remaining dip in the bowl.  [sources 1 and 2

While this isn’t a major public health crisis yet, it is pretty gross.  And I drink water from a toilet, share a water dish with my friends, and often times will sit on the floor and lick my own butt for hours.  Regardless, this reporter has NEVER been known to double-dip a chip.  Yuck!

Even if you manage to steer clear of any Super Bowl party double-dippers, you are still in serious danger of a heart attack or other cardiac emergency, according to a study true-football-fan.jpgauthored by Dr. Gerhard Steinbeck of Ludwig Maximilians University in Germany.  He and his colleagues present their results in next Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine.  They studied thousands of Germany soccer fans and came to the conclusion that heart problems can be linked to game-day stress.  For example, this kid is a heart attack waiting to happen.  The doctors also blamed emotional stress for the heart problems, but they note that lack of sleep, overeating, wolfing down junk food, boozing and smoking might have played a role, too.  Read more about it here.

hot-dogs.jpgLuckily for our Wag the Dog publisher, he really doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl, although he plans to cheer for the underdog New York Football Giants.  Not having a team to support on Sunday is good news for Mr. Stewart’s stress level, yet he’s still a slightly overweight man who likes loves his beer, doesn’t get much any sleep, has major issues with portion control when dining, and plans to set a new World Record for “number of chili dogs eaten on Super Bowl Sunday”.  On a positive note, he’s not a Marlboro Man, so he’s got that going for him.

Anyway, steer clear of double-dippers and Cheetos on Sunday.  Oh, and learn about the 10 Worst Chips Ever!

Remmy is our Senior Sports Correspondent and an avid dog park patron.  To protect his water dish from would-be double-dippers, Remmy often times submerges his entire head into the water bowl, leaving saliva and black dog hair floating on the surface of the water for the next dog to enjoy.

Montel Williams takes a dump on Fox… then Fox rubs his nose in it

A Tucker Unleashed! exclusive report

Last Saturday, TV talk show host Montel Williams appeared on Fox and Friends, an unwatchable three hours of live TV on Saturday morning (but only two hours of garbage on weekdays).  A former naval officer, Montel exposed the absurdity of supposed news networks spending air time on the death of Heath Ledger – the “story” Montel was invited onto the show to discuss – rather than covering the war in Iraq.  In the following video clip, Montel condemns TV news programs for peddling trash instead of seeking out legitimate news stories:

Montel was mysteriously absent after the break, despite the fact he was supposed to be promoting his new book.  Four days later, Montel quit or lost his job after 17 years as a TV talk show host.  Variety reported on Wednesday the “Fate of The Montel Williams Show was sealed when key Fox-owned stations opted not to renew it for the 2008-09 season.”

Did you notice at one point in the clip that hostess, Page Hopkins, desperately tried to justify her existence with a ridiculous statement, “…it’s the appetite, we’re feeding the beast,” an attempt to blame the viewers for the insane amount of trash covered by cable “news” stations?  And, to be fair and balanced, it’s not just Fox News that’s guilty of lacking journalistic integrity.  On about the 130th consecutive day of the Anna Nicole Tragedy coverage, a CNN anchor turned to her colleague and said with a straight face, “The public just can’t get enough of this story!”  Really?  The public can’t get enough of this story?  Well, this reporter remembers it differently.  I remember seeing every single cable “news” station relentlessly and unapologetically covering the Anna Nicole saga.  But the story grew tired and, as luck would have it, O.J. got arrested again… and then Britney started hanging out with Paris and showing her yoo-hoo… then Lindsay Lohan drank too much and went to rehab(s)… then Britney shaved her head, found a pink wig, and started speaking in tongues… and now Heath Ledger has died… but wait, Britney and her pink wig were just involuntarily committed.  Anyway, it’s not just one anchor person or just one program or just one network covering these spectacles, it’s EVERY program on EVERY cable network covering the same stories around the clock.  I submit that “we” can’t get enough of these stories because they are rammed down our throats by the cable “news” channels.  Perhaps if the cable news networks would actually report real news, we’d stick to one channel instead of flipping between them to see if you can catch something about the Iraq occupation or the problems in Darfur (yah, right).

ann_coulter.jpgNote to Fox News viewers:  I realize the last sentence above makes no sense to you because you do not flip between channels.  You trust what you are being spoon-fed is fair and balanced, and I’m okay with that.  Just know there are others who watch Fox News for the entertainment value, as well as to see if that self-hating gay guy, Ann Coulter, happens to be on spewing hate-filled rants.  Man, that dude is c-r-a-z-y, and I don’t know why Fox hasn’t given him his own show yet.

Bottom line – Montel Williams summed up on Fox and Friends what we at Wag the Dog have long felt:  Ratings trump journalistic integrity when it comes to a majority of broadcast news media sources.  That’s why Wag the Dog is different.  Hey, Montel!  Are you interested in a job as a Wag the Dog Correspondent?  If so, give us a bark!

sylvia_montel.jpgIn the meantime, we can’t help but wonder if Sylvia Browne, the world’s greatest psychic and a favorite guest on The Montel Williams Show, knew anything beforehand about Montel’s surprising job loss?  Chances are she did not see this coming because she’s a fraud.  And how do we know she’s a fraud?  Because Anderson Cooper says so, and we believe everything he says:

Tucker is our Senior Entertainment Correspondent reporting on TV, music and movie related news.  If it weren’t for Montel Williams and this story, Tucker would still be glued to his TV set watching his Superbad DVD for the gazillionth time.  He can’t get enough of McLovin!