Tag Archives: humor

Out of the Mouths of Babes… and Evildoers

Bush calls on all nations to end torture

Seriously… he did

I find listening to all this torture talk to be, well, torturous…  sort of like sitting through an entire airing of Fox & Friends in the morning.  The United States does not torture.  Instead, we simply redefine torturethe definition of torture then call it “enhanced interrogation techniques”.  At the same time, the Justice Department hires lawyers with no morals and directs them to provide legal rationale for breaking the law so that we can torture some terrorist into tying Al-Qaeda to Saddam Hussein, thereby obtaining “evidence” to justify an unjustifiable war.  Oh, and by the way, interrogation experts agree that torture doesn’t work… unless, of course, your intent is to get the prisoner to confess to whatever you (or The White House) want.

Torture is torture.  Waterboarding is torture.  It was defined as such a long time ago.  In fact, did you know waterboarding used to be a crime in the U.S. during pre-Bush times?  Of course you did, so why ignore the facts now?  According to a Washington Post article, after World War II the U.S. convicted several Japanese soldiers for waterboarding American and Allied prisoners of war (it was called the water cure by the Japanese).  As far back as the U.S. occupation of the Philippines after the 1898 Spanish-American War, U.S. soldiers were court-martialed for using the “water cure” to question Filipino guerrillas.  In 1983, federal prosecutors charged a Texas sheriff and three of his deputies with violating prisoners’ civil rights by forcing confessions through the use of waterboarding.

Whether you call them enhanced interrogation techniques OR freedom tickles,  it doesn’t matter.  This shouldn’t even enter into the debate, but the Right Wing hawks are doing a good job of keeping it in the forefront.  They specialize in scaring the shit out of the public in order to get what they want.  But the question that needs to be answered is, torture-with-bush11“Did the Bush Administration break the law by using torture?” Unfortunately, I have a feeling the Bush Administration is guilty of far greater crimes than torture. Torture was just a tool in the campaign to falsify and exploit 9/11 so that fearful Americans would be bamboozled into a mission that had nothing to do with Al-Qaeda.  The lying about Iraq remains the original sin from which flows much of the Bush White House’s illegality [quote from Frank Rich New York Times Op-Ed] .  But let’s at least call for further investigation; otherwise, we’re most certainly setting a precedent making lawful what has always been unlawful [from rogerhollander.wordpress.com].

Anyway, I can’t count how many times I recall President G.W. Bush telling the nation and the rest of the world that the United States does not torture.  But his statement on International Day in Support of Torture Victims in 2003 was, in retrospect, disingenuous at best. [re-printed below – source is HERE]

So all you holier-than-thou neo-cons out there who think it’s all of a sudden “ok” to torture “those people” should ask yourself, “Who would Jesus torture?” Interestingly enough, this Pew Research Center poll indicates the Jesus crowd is more than willing to support the use of torture.  Note to self:  Never EVER get picked up by a religious dog-catcher.

WAG THE DOGWe bark… you decide!

(Statement on International Day in Support of Torture Victims)

Bush Calls Torture “an Affront to Human Dignity Everywhere”

President Bush says torture anywhere is an affront to human dignity everywhere, and the United States is committed to building a world where human rights are respected and protected by the rule of law.

In a statement issued on United Nations International Day in Support of Victims of Torture June 26, the president called on all governments to join in prohibiting, investigating and prosecuting all acts of torture and in undertaking to prevent other cruel and unusual punishment.

Following is the text of Bush’s statement:
(begin text)

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
June 26, 2003

STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT

United Nations International Day in Support of Victims of Torture

Today, on the United Nations International Day in Support of Victims of Torture, the United States declares its strong solidarity with torture victims across the world. Torture anywhere is an affront to human dignity everywhere. We are committed to building a world where human rights are respected and protected by the rule of law.

Freedom from torture is an inalienable human right. The Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment, ratified by the United States and more than 130 other countries since 1984, forbids governments from deliberately inflicting severe physical or mental pain or suffering on those within their custody or control. Yet torture continues to be practiced around the world by rogue regimes whose cruel methods match their determination to crush the human spirit. Beating, burning, rape, and electric shock are some of the grisly tools such regimes use to terrorize their own citizens. These despicable crimes cannot be tolerated by a world committed to justice.

Notorious human rights abusers, including, among others, Burma, Cuba, North Korea, Iran, and Zimbabwe, have long sought to shield their abuses from the eyes of the world by staging elaborate deceptions and denying access to international human rights monitors. Until recently, Saddam Hussein used similar means to hide the crimes of his regime. With Iraq’s liberation, the world is only now learning the enormity of the dictator’s three decades of victimization of the Iraqi people. Across the country, evidence of Baathist atrocities is mounting, including scores of mass graves containing the remains of thousands of men, women, and children and torture chambers hidden inside palaces and ministries. The most compelling evidence of all lies in the stories told by torture survivors, who are recounting a vast array of sadistic acts perpetrated against the innocent. Their testimony reminds us of their great courage in outlasting one of history’s most brutal regimes, and it reminds us that similar cruelties are taking place behind the closed doors of other prison states.

The United States is committed to the world-wide elimination of torture and we are leading this fight by example. I call on all governments to join with the United States and the community of law-abiding nations in prohibiting, investigating, and prosecuting all acts of torture and in undertaking to prevent other cruel and unusual punishment. I call on all nations to speak out against torture in all its forms and to make ending torture an essential part of their diplomacy. I further urge governments to join America and others in supporting torture victims’ treatment centers, contributing to the UN Fund for the Victims of Torture, and supporting the efforts of non-governmental organizations to end torture and assist its victims.

No people, no matter where they reside, should have to live in fear of their own government. Nowhere should the midnight knock foreshadow a nightmare of state-commissioned crime. The suffering of torture victims must end, and the United States calls on all governments to assume this great mission.

(end text)

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“Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican”
By John Gray – Cincinnati, Ohio

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and (that they) work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he ha s a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before The Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad’s; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmer’s Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.  Otherwise, those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark.

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good.  The host doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.  So, Joe agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have”.

Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy

The Wag the Dog staff plans to hire these guys for our publisher.  He was born and raised a Conservative, so we think there’s still hope for him.

Cartoonbank.com

This blogging thing is for the birds…

dog-blog.jpg

The Friday Funnies

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A MadTV video clip:  Apple Computers presents “THE iRACK”

MadTV shows you why Wal-Mart is evil: 

A disturbing (yet educational) song from the cult ’80’s video series:  Strong Kids, Safe Kids

A Dwight Schrute PSA about bears:

GOP race starts to smell a lot more like moth balls

Vinegar and water candidate drops suspends campaign

On Thursday, Mitt Romney suspended his race for the presidency of the United States, which only means one thing:  the terrorists win!  Comedy Central’s A Daily Show with Jon Stewart summarized Romney’s nonsensical ramblings brilliantly in this clip.  Then A Daily Show Senior Analyst, Jason Jones, joined Jon Stewart on the set to explain how polling data showed Romney lacked the support of his key demographic – douchebags.  Watch the clip here.

romney-is-a-huge-douchebag.jpg

While we’ll miss Romney’s uncomfortable public appearances and absurd logic, we can’t help but get excited about watching the Republicans eat their own via relentless far Right Wing attacks on John McCain for his love of Mexican food… for not being homophobic enough… and, basically, for not embracing the fear mongering and super Christian ideals of this lunatic fringe of the Republican party.

Bogart is the Chief Political Correspondent for Wag the Dog.  When he’s not licking himself, he often sits under the big maple tree in the backyard and ponders questions, like:  Why does the Fox News Channel relentlessly attack MoveOn.Org for being an “extremist” group but ignores the fact that the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is a group of insane haters? 

The Ronald McReagan House

The Ghost of Ronald Reagan tells Mitt Romney to “Get out!”

reagan.jpgCALIFORNIA – In a not-so-stunning Super Tuesday turn of events, the state of California – along with most other states voting on Tuesday – sent Mitt Romney a message:  “Pack up your stuff and get the hell out of the Ronald Reagan house!”  Unfortunately, the house that Reagan built didn’t have a room reserved for good ‘ole Mittens.  As it turns out, we at Wag the Dog aren’t the only ones who think Mitt is a joke.  The best part is that the joke continues giving us laughs because Mitt has yet to leave the race.  Yay – Go Mitt!

Now, let’s take a closer look at this house built by Reagan.  Stephen Colbert put it best when he described the house as being built “…in the hardest possible way.  Using supply-side economics, you build the top floor first, you prop it up with homeless people, and you hope the rest of the house trickles down.” [please watch this Colbert Report clip

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Basically, the national debt belongs to Reagan, but the Bush economic policy follows the same philosophy.  First things first, you’ve got to give tax cuts to the richest of the rich and assume they’ll either spend their tax savings or create jobs in their companies for poor folk (thus, the trickle down economics).  Then, you spend trillions of dollars on defense build-up (or in Bush’s case, you spend it on no-bid contracts given to defense contracting companies owned by your friends and/or political supporters who are part of the military industrial complex – see also Carlyle Group).  And, finally – here’s the best part of the policy – instead of actually having the money up front to do all this, you borrow the trillions of dollars from other countries, like Japan and China, and leave a mammoth national debt behind for your children and grandchildren to worry about.  And here’s the kicker.  If anyone complains about the national debt, just tell everyone that the Democrats want to raise your taxes to pay for it!  Undoubtedly, there will be MILLIONS of individuals and families earning below $100,000 per year who will think that it’s THEIR taxes that will be raised by the Democrats because the pundits on Fox News say so.  Of course, Wag the Dog readers know that it’s only the taxes of individuals earning more than $150,00 or families earning more than $268,000 per year who will see their Bush tax cuts disappear.

By the end of Reagan’s second term, the national debt had reached $2.6 trillion. Perhaps the best way to consider the size of the national debt, however, is in terms of Gross National Product (GNP) – comparing the size of the debt to the size of the economy.  Under Reagan, the debt reached 53% of GNP, its highest level since WWII.  Today, the national debt exceeds $9.2 trillion (more than $5 trillion is owned by the public – which includes foreign governments).  [source]

Current Debt Held by the Public Intragovernmental Holdings Total Public Debt Outstanding
02/05/2008 5,130,439,965,772.90 4,094,484,223,793.94

9,224,924,189,566.84

Don’t get us wrong.  As far as presidents go, we’ll take Reagan over Bush every time.  But to hear some millionaire running for president in 2008 boasting that he wants to “strengthen the house that Ronald Reagan built” is a bit much.  And this same guy boasts that he “changed the Olympics”.  What?  How?  Did we miss something? Athletes still sped down snow-covered hills wearing skis didn’t they?   As far as the Olympics goes, wasn’t Romney merely a glorified event planner?  We mean no offense to any event planners out there… we’re sure your work is very important.  Anyway, hang in there, Mitt! 

Bogart is the Senior Political Correspondent for Wag the Dog.  He enjoys searching the Internet for some sign that Reaganomics was a good thing.  But at publishing time, no such sign has been located.  The search continues…

Dog Poop. It’s What’s for Dinner.

Minnesota man discovers cure for coprophagia

coprophagia.jpgMINNEAPOLIS – Some dogs can’t resist a tasty morsel of feces. These dogs will eat their own excrement or that of another dog.  Some prefer horse feces, others cat feces.  And a nice chunk of frozen turd is quite popular in the winter months in certain regions.  But, why do dogs do this?  More importantly, how do you stop it?

In the past it was believed that feces eating, also known as coprophagia, was caused by either poor diet or poor health. However, this theory is not supported by current research.  “Behavioral research has discounted the idea that it is a dietary deficiency or a pancreatic enzyme deficiency,” says Dr. Jo Ann Eurell, a veterinarian and animal behavior specialist retired from the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine.  “Dogs are historically scavengers, and this is believed to be a scavenger behavior.”

This behavior is normal for a mother dog with pups.  Newborn pups must learn to urinate and defecate.  And who better to instruct them than their mother, so she teaches the pups by licking their bottoms.  doggie-pooper-scooper.jpgThe pups respond to this “tickle” by urinating and defecating.  This motherly gesture is not to be confused with “tossing the salad”, an act typically performed by inmates while inside the confines of a prison cell or cell block shower facility.  But in the canine world, after her pups drop their turdage, the mother then consumes the pup’s excrement.  This serves three protective purposes:  1) it keeps the den area clean, 2) it removes any smell that could attract a predator, and 3) it prevents a homeowner from stepping in fresh doggie poo while mowing the backyard.  Some pups learn this behavior from their mothers and will stimulate themselves and consume their own feces.   However, most pups stop by the time they are weaned. [source]

It is more difficult to understand why adult dogs eat feces.  Some dogs will learn this behavior from other dogs.  In some cases, eating feces may be an attention-seeking behavior. For some dogs it is possibly due to anxiety or boredom.  Most often the motivation for eating feces is just not known.

Owners find this habit in their pet disgusting — particularly when the consumed feces are thrown up all over the new carpet. In addition to being socially unacceptable, eating feces exposes the dog to parasites and diseases. So, what is a dog owner to do?

chili-experience.gifA Minnesota man believes he has the answer.  “Tabasco sauce,” the man says with a big grin on his face.  The man, who prefers to remain nameless until he perfects his coprophagia solution, was making a pot of chili to enjoy during the Super Bowl last year when he spilled a bit of it on the floor, and his dog, Buck, came over and lapped it up.  According to the man, “Buck loved it (chili), so I poured a ladle of it over his dog food.  I let him outside an hour or so later so he could poop, and when he picked up a turd in his mouth, it appeared to be too spicy for him to handle.  He dropped it on the spot.”  Now, the man has started feeding his dog chili covered food at every meal, which is twice a day.  He also plans to create chili-flavored dog biscuits.  “I just need to work out a few kinks,” says the man.  “First off, Buck has been taking a dump about every 30 minutes since starting the chili-covered dog food diet.  Plus, his anal glands appear to be severely inflamed, so I have to ice ’em down every couple hours.”  But there is a silver lining to this story.  “Buck no longer sits in the middle of the living room licking his butt when my friends come over to visit.  I guess it burns his tongue.”

Buck’s Chili Chow and Buck’s Chili Biscuits will likely be carried by Walmart in order to give the new dog food line mass exposure.  Plus, Walmart is so greedy, it will sell anything – regardless of any safety issues –  as long as the company makes a profit.  So, watch for this fine line of dog food at an evil retailer near you!

Berkley is the Senior Health Correspondent for Wag the Dog.  He prefers eating green grass rather than brown poop, and he’s written his own book, “Greener Pastures:  A Dog’s Guide to Organic Eating”.  The book is available at Boarder’s Books & Leashes (not to be confused with Border’s Bookstore).