Category Archives: This dog won’t hunt

Favre Retires (again?)

And Cheeseheads Cry (again) 

The most storied quarterback career in NFL history is coming to a close.

Brett FavreWag the Dog has learned that legendary quarterback Brett Favre has decided to retire. In fact, it’s believed he informed the Green Bay Packers of his decision within the last few days, although it’s unclear when Favre and the team will make his decision known.

Barrinng an unforeseen last-minute change of heart, Favre will leave the game after 17 years, during which he built himself into a household name and a figure synonymous with grit, toughness and perseverance.  After flirting with retirement for the last few years, Favre will finally go out on the heels of one of the best seasons of his career.  Or will he?

Wag the Dog has also dug up a juicy bone that tells us this supposed retirement smells of a ruse.  It’s a flea-flicker play designed to trick the rest of the NFL into discounting the Packers next season.  Unfortunately, Wag the Dog feels banking on Favre to play any more seasons is like a throwing a 65-yard Hail Mary pass on the last play of the SuperBowl – a last second act of desperation that will only cause beer-filled, brat-eatin’ Cheeseheads to fall to the ground clutching their chests.

Wag the Dog has obtained this exclusive photo proving Brett Favre isn’t going anywhere:

 favre.jpg

WARNING: Your Super Bowl Festivus Could Kill You!

Studies point to numerous health hazards associated with Super Bowl celebrations

AP – More than 10 years ago, George Costanza submerged the world into a delicious, creamy concoction of healthy controversy when he double-dipped a chip on national TV.  The act of dipping a chip, taking a bite, then going back to the dip with a half-eaten chip in hand is a widely used snacking strategy employed by people throughout the world.  Double-dipping does not discriminate, and it’s a public health hazard.  Or is it?  You be the judge.

Clemson professor Paul L. Dawson, a food microbiologist, was so intrigued by this exchange that he decided to investigate.  The results, to be published later this year in the Journal of Food Safety, found that it is a little bit like putting your whole mouth in the dip.  On average, three to six double-dips transferred about 10,000 bacteria from the eater’s mouth to the remaining dip in the bowl.  [sources 1 and 2

While this isn’t a major public health crisis yet, it is pretty gross.  And I drink water from a toilet, share a water dish with my friends, and often times will sit on the floor and lick my own butt for hours.  Regardless, this reporter has NEVER been known to double-dip a chip.  Yuck!

Even if you manage to steer clear of any Super Bowl party double-dippers, you are still in serious danger of a heart attack or other cardiac emergency, according to a study true-football-fan.jpgauthored by Dr. Gerhard Steinbeck of Ludwig Maximilians University in Germany.  He and his colleagues present their results in next Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine.  They studied thousands of Germany soccer fans and came to the conclusion that heart problems can be linked to game-day stress.  For example, this kid is a heart attack waiting to happen.  The doctors also blamed emotional stress for the heart problems, but they note that lack of sleep, overeating, wolfing down junk food, boozing and smoking might have played a role, too.  Read more about it here.

hot-dogs.jpgLuckily for our Wag the Dog publisher, he really doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl, although he plans to cheer for the underdog New York Football Giants.  Not having a team to support on Sunday is good news for Mr. Stewart’s stress level, yet he’s still a slightly overweight man who likes loves his beer, doesn’t get much any sleep, has major issues with portion control when dining, and plans to set a new World Record for “number of chili dogs eaten on Super Bowl Sunday”.  On a positive note, he’s not a Marlboro Man, so he’s got that going for him.

Anyway, steer clear of double-dippers and Cheetos on Sunday.  Oh, and learn about the 10 Worst Chips Ever!

Remmy is our Senior Sports Correspondent and an avid dog park patron.  To protect his water dish from would-be double-dippers, Remmy often times submerges his entire head into the water bowl, leaving saliva and black dog hair floating on the surface of the water for the next dog to enjoy.

Favre to stiff-arm Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx

Prediction:  NY Giants 14  Green Bay Packers 34

If you’re a sports fan, then you’ve most likely heard a little something about the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx.  Millions of superstitious readers — and many athletes — si-cover-black-cat.jpgbelieve an appearance on Sports Illustrated’s cover is the kiss of death.  Numerous professional athletes have surcumbed to injury following an appearance on the magazine’s cover.  In fact, in 2001, SI was forced to go to print with a cover featuring a black cat (after NFL quarterback, Kurt Warner, refused to pose for the cover).  Superstitions centering around the black cat are some of the most well-known and popular superstitions today.  We at Wag the Dog have long held that ALL cats are evil and are not to be trusted, so SI might as well have put an orange tabby on the cover as far as we’re concerned.  Anyway, read an in-depth analysis of the SI Cover Jinx written by SI’s Alexander Wolff in 2002 here.

The current Sports Illustrated cover is one the best I’ve seen since the 1997 SI Swimsuit Edition cover featuring a volumptuous Tyra Banks (before we si-cover-tyra.jpgknew she was an annoying crazy person).  Apparently the SI Cover Jinx worked in reverse after her appearance because misfortune didn’t find Tyra, it found us.  She now produces and stars in her own unwatchable reality show, America’s Next Top Model.  And if that weren’t enough, she also produces and hosts her own daytime talk show, The Tyra Banks Show.  It’s a talk show that (according to the show’s website) gives young women the “girlfriend” they want to hang out with, and the role model they need.  Personally, it gives me migraine headaches and stomach ulcers, yet I can’t seem to NOT watch it (but only during commercial breaks while I’m watching Days of Our Lives).

Anyway, the current issue of SI shows Green Bay Packer quarterback – and 2007 SI Sportsman of the Year – Brett Favre about to throw a pass during last weekend’s NFC si-cover-favre.jpgdivisional playoff victory over the Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay’s Lambeau Field.  Since Wag the Dog Publisher, B.A. Stewart, shares a first name with Mr. Favre AND has also attended two Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers games at Lambeau Field within the past three years, he is making me post this article.  As a Minnesotan, I find it repulsive having to do this.  But, then again, we’re the true fair and balanced news media source, so I really have no choice, right?  Plus, like all bandwagon Minnesota Vikings fans – which I admit to being – I cheer for the Vikings until about mid-season, at which point they’ve most likely thoroughly disgusted and disappointed me to the point I’m forced to switch my allegiance to The Pack.  And while Minnesota sports teams have a knack for making horrendous player trades (i.e., The Trade), Green Bay has stuck with Favre for 16 seasons, leading to two Super Bowl appearances and one Super Bowl win (so far), despite a few less-than-stellar seasons on their quarterback’s part.  Also, our publisher’s spent so much money on beer at Lambeau Field that he feels he’s now somehow part-owner of the team.  Most importantly, Green Bay has more bars than churches, so there’s a soft spot in our hearts for this big little town.

So, despite Favre’s appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we’re picking The Pack to crush the NY Giants on Sunday at the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.  Oh, and we’re pretty sure the New England Patriots are going to beat the San Diego Chargers by about 40 points, leading to a Green Bay vs. New England Super Bowl XLII in Phoenix on February 3rd. 

By the way, we hear Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are performing at the Super Bowl halftime show, so I’m fairly certain we don’t have to worry about any wardrobe malfunctions.  But, just in case, I’m sure Jimmy Kimmel and his crew will be on top of it should things take a turn for the worse.  Here’s a clip from last year’s Jimmy Kimmel’s Super Bowl Edition of Unnecessary Censorship: 

Remmy is a freelance journalist and Senior Sports Correspondent for Wag the Dog.  He shares a townhome in Rosemount, MN, with Sammy the Cat.  When he’s not writing or vigilantly tracking Sammy the Cat’s whereabouts, he’s chasing tail at the Dakota Woods Dog Park in Rosemount.  Look for him there.  He’s the good-looking Black Lab who always has a smile on his face.