Tag Archives: mccain

Sarah Palin: Me Talk Pretty One Day

In true Wag the Dog Blog style, I’m providing my analysis of last Thursday night’s VP debate about four days late.  What can I say?  I’ve been busy… busy watching mindless Right Wing hacks (I believe they call themselves “pundits” and/or “Republican strategists”) try their darndest to convince me that Governor Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President of the United States.  Some even say — with a straight face mind you — that she is even more qualified to be president than Senator Barack Obama is.  Seriously?  So you’re saying a person is qualified to be president if their resume includes:  local TV sports anchor, four (4) years on a city council, six (6) years as a mayor of a town of 9,000 residents, and two (2) years as governor of a state of 650,000 people?  Really?  And would you still feel this way if I told you that you just described Jesse Ventura’s experience?  Well, Ventura actually has MORE experience than Palin… you see, instead of “local TV sports anchor” Ventura was “cross-dressing pro wrestler”, he was the mayor of a Minnesota community of approx. 72,000 people for four (4) years before a he was a one-term Governor of Minnesota (population 5M+ residents).   So, I want to see Karl Rove’s treasonous ass on Fox News espousing the virtues of the depth and breadth of Jesse Ventura’s “executive” experience.

Anyway, what intrigues me most is how wildly popular Governor Palin is and how someone could watch the VP debate and actually come away from the experience firmly believing Palin won.  By what standard are these people measuring Palin’s performance?  Sure, for a “hocky mom”, she kicked ass.  And even for a “small town mayor” and city council member, she performed very well.  As a half-term governor of one of the least populated states in the nation, Palin’s performance was at best passable.  But as a candidate for the second highest office in the land, she was horrifyingly bad.  The fact that she didn’t puke all over herself seems to be enough for most of the Right Wing pundits to pronounce the debate a “victory” (sort of like George Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” fiasco of 2003).  It’s obvious Palin had her talking points memorized, and she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of delivering them (not even those pesky questions from moderator, Gwen Ifill). As columnist Bob Herbert wrote, “For Ms. Palin, such things as context, syntax and the proximity of answers to questions have no meaning.” [source]  And I heard today that Governor Palin should be renamed “Governor Palindrome” because her sentences make as much sense backwards as they do forward.  I highly recommend the David Sedaris book, Me Talk Pretty One Day, to Ms. Palin.  It might help her in her career.  In the meantime, enjoy this flowchart I found after the VP debate.

Anyway, my theory for Governor Palin’s popularity did not take much thought.  In fact, I assume most of my readers agree it’s not hard to figure out why she’s able to draw larger crowds than McCain.  Let’s face it – McCain is 72 years old going on 103.  He’s old, dusty and is pastier than the freeze-dried dog turds I find in my backyard after the spring thaw each year (and he’s even less inspiring than those turds).  And in light of the talking points the McCain campaign handed Palin after the VP debate (you know the ones designed to scare the sh!t out of you by linking Obama to terrorism), it’s more accurate to refer to her crowd of admirers as a “lynch mob.”  It seems as though “radical” is the new “N-word” in 2008 because the McCain campaign, with the help of douchebags like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, are trying very hard to convince you that Obama is “too radical” to lead.

Here’s my theory.  Palin supporters can be divided into four (4) general categories:

1) Someone living in what I call “The Mullet Zone”.  The Mullet Zone consists of the entire Bible Belt and extends directly northward from Oklahoma through Kansas, Nebraska and the Dakotas… then creeps eastward through parts of Minnesota into the Rust Belt… plus, it includes pretty much all of Alaska.  Mostly middle- or working-class folk, these are the very people for whom the Democratic party platform is meant to help.  But while they are apparently not bitter (who would say such a thing, right?), these folk tend to only worry about the government takin’ their guns away… or they vote solely on one issue (that’d be abortion)… and they are deathly afraid of homosexuals (not to mention people of color).  To them, wearing a flag pin, waving a flag, or calling Senator Obama a “terrorist” is way more patriotic than educating themselves on issues of great importance to the future of our country (which is why they’d blindly vote for a ridiculously unprepared person who is “one 72 year old cancer survivor’s heartbeat away from the presidency…”).  The Daily Show with Jon Stewart actually went to Wasilla, Alaska, and interviewed some of these fine folks (no offense to my Alaskan pal, Sir Blue LeDeux and his family… I know y’all don’t live in Wasilla, so I figured it’s alright posting this).

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2) Young, low-information voters who are primarily males that think of Palin more as a MILF than they do as a potential VP.  They sit around playing drinking games during the debates (shot-gunning a beer each time Palin or McCain says “maverick” or “victory”).  They high-five each other and say the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill!” each time Ms. Palin gives the camera a wink and a nod.  Adding, “I’d hit that!”

3) Men who are similar to #2 above minus the part about the drinking game.  These guys are typically middle-aged or retired, but not in every case… some are simply lonely and all of them are angry.  They all thought Ms. Palin was winking at them during the debate.  It’s likely most of these fellows could have been found last Thursday night sitting in their underwear in front of the TV enjoying a bag of Cheetos while watching the VP debate.  And, you guessed it… their tighty whiteys had a nice orange hue following the airing.  Case in point, National Review columnist Rich Lowry…


4) Die hard Republicans who will never vote outside their party, even if it means four more years of doom and gloom for them, their children and grandchildren.  Thanks, Grandma…

And to steal a page from the Republican Fear-mongering Handbook, let me show you what’s hanging in the halls of the Minnesota State Capitol building.  Now imagine this is a picture of Sarah Louise Heath Palin hanging in the Oval Office of The White House.  If this doesn’t scare you, then nothing will… but I’ll try to find ya some other reasons to be fearful, and I’ll bring ’em to ya… “Maverick”.

If you’ve got a spare 10 minutes, then enjoy this Keith Olbermann Special Comment about Governor Palin…

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McCain cries, “What have I done?!?!”

Put a sweater on, Old Man!

I just finished checking the pressure of all the tires on our family vehicles, including Claire’s Jeep brand stroller. Plus, I think Momma has a 50,000 mile tune-up scheduled for her Nazi-wagen Passat, so I think we’re all set. But, I’ve been meaning to blog about Obama’s crazy idea about oil conservation… you know, the one where he says keeping your car tires inflated and engine properly maintained will increase fuel efficiency, thereby helping to lower gas consumption. I mean, where does he get this load of crap and why does he think anyone would actually take personal responsibility to help conserve energy? Someone needs to remind Obama about Jimmy Carter and his cardigan sweater (Google it, folks!). Besides, any educated person – as well as Right Wing lunatics like Newt Gingrich – can tell you that the only way forward is to drill here and drill now! We can drill our way to energy independence in no time, my friends… right after we “win the wars in Iraq… Afghanistan… Iran… Syria…”, give every American a house, kick all the Mexicans out of the country, and teach McCain about the Internets. I actually support domestic drilling (such as on the 68 million untapped acres already permitted to the oil companies), and that’s why I plan to start drilling in our backyard. The feds seems to enjoy handing out billions of dollars in tax credits and other incentives to anyone willing to drill, so I’m on-board with this plan. Plus, there’s a good chance I might find that steak bone I buried out there last spring that has gone missing… probably stolen by a squirrel.

Anyway, I did some research and found more information about Obama’s insane (not to be confused with “McCain”) automotive maintenance tips. Leave it to Stephen Colbert to set the record straight HERE.

Mike Huckabee – Legitimate Candidate or Dingleberry?

Republican presidential candidate holds on a little too long

Mike Huckabee hasn’t won a Republican Primary since February 9th, but last night – after losing (again) in Wisconsin and Washington – the Huckster told anyone who will listen that he plans to stay in the race for the Republican nomination for President of the United States because “the foot soldiers of the Republican Party, the conservatives in the Republican Party, need to make sure their voices aren’t shut out.”  This is a statement only a true dingleberry could – or would – make.  Frankly, we’re surprised Mitt Romney didn’t think of it.

dingleberry.jpgdingleberry is a dried piece of fecal matter clinging to the hairs around your anus.  No matter how hard you try to shake a dingleberry loose, it stays put.  It’s a condition that most often afflicts long-haired dogs, but dingleberries are also commonly found in hairy humans (like our Uncle Kermit).  Typically, “dingleberry shears” are used to remove the poop-encrusted hairs.  Around our doghouse, dingleberry shears are small orange-handled Fiskar brand scissors; however, most any common household scissor dingleberry-shears.jpgcan be used for dingleberry removal purposes.  Just make sure the blades are sharp enough to cut thick hair.  Oh, and don’t forget to disinfect the shears after use in case one of your handlers also uses the Fiskars to cut her split ends.  But in Huckabees case, we’re not sure any kind of shears will do the trick.  That fella isn’t goin’ anywhere!

John “Grumpy Old Man” McCain is growing increasingly furious with the fact Huckabee’s still in the race.  An anonymous source has told Wag the Dog that McCain was overheard telling Huckabee via a phone dingleberry-mccain.jpgcall “don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”  After slamming down the phone, the aged Arizona senator then turned green, tore off his suit, tie, shirt and shoes before jumping out a window and running off into a freak February Wisconsin rainstorm.   The McCain Campaign has neither confirmed nor denied this report, probably because we haven’t bothered to contact them for a comment, so we’re just gonna assume it really happened.

Since Conservatives can’t seem to find a candidate they like, Wag the Dog would like to politely invite all Conservatives to stay home this November when it’s time to vote for President.  Seriously.  Does the name George W. Bush mean anything to you?  Don’t you feel at least A LITTLE bit guilty for voting for him… twice?  You really need to sit this next one out.  Seriously.  Go grab a cup of coffee or something, and we’ll talk again in eight years.

Bogart is Wag the Dog’s Chief Political Correspondent.  He resides in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, where he’s been living dingleberry-free since 2005.

GOP race starts to smell a lot more like moth balls

Vinegar and water candidate drops suspends campaign

On Thursday, Mitt Romney suspended his race for the presidency of the United States, which only means one thing:  the terrorists win!  Comedy Central’s A Daily Show with Jon Stewart summarized Romney’s nonsensical ramblings brilliantly in this clip.  Then A Daily Show Senior Analyst, Jason Jones, joined Jon Stewart on the set to explain how polling data showed Romney lacked the support of his key demographic – douchebags.  Watch the clip here.


While we’ll miss Romney’s uncomfortable public appearances and absurd logic, we can’t help but get excited about watching the Republicans eat their own via relentless far Right Wing attacks on John McCain for his love of Mexican food… for not being homophobic enough… and, basically, for not embracing the fear mongering and super Christian ideals of this lunatic fringe of the Republican party.

Bogart is the Chief Political Correspondent for Wag the Dog.  When he’s not licking himself, he often sits under the big maple tree in the backyard and ponders questions, like:  Why does the Fox News Channel relentlessly attack MoveOn.Org for being an “extremist” group but ignores the fact that the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is a group of insane haters? 

Have No Fear – Grampa McCain is Here!

Rudy Bar Sinister’s plot to take over Florida fails

rudy.jpgWho knew Simon Bar Sinister, the main villain of Underdog fame, had an evil twin named Rudy?  Well, we did.  At Wag the Dog, it’s our job to know these things.  Plus, we completely stole the idea from our favorite morning radio show, The Stephanie Miller Show.

While Simon Bar Sinister wanted to rule the world, Rudy Bar Sinister simply had his eye on taking control of Florida.  Ironically, it was this infatuation with Florida that led to Rudy’s demise.  Today, Rudy Bar Sinister announced his plans to drop from the GOP presidential race.  I’m sure Rudy would’ve preferred to have done so on 9/11 of this year, but so much for bad timing.  And even though Rudy threw his support to Senator “Gramps” McCain, something tells me the evil Rudy is up to no good and is actually in cahoots with his dimwitted cad-lackey.jpgsidekick, Mitt Romney (not to be confused with Simon Bar Sinister’s henchman, Cad Lackey).  You see, both are tall and handsome with great hair.  Cad is alternately incredibly stupid or exceptionally smart, while the flip-flopping Romney likes to alternate his position on little matters like women’s rights, gay rights, etc.  The only way to tell them apart is that Cad is actually NOT a douchebag. 

Anyway, Rudy’s evil plan was foiled by a lovable shoeshine boy senator from Arizona.  And while Senator “Gramps” McCain resembles a harmless little shoeshine boy, something tells me this old man is dangerous, my friends!  Perhaps it’s his lack of any sort of plan to fix the economy.  Or, maybe it’s his wanting to stay in Iraq for another 100 years or so (whatever it takes… just as long as “they” don’t follow us home). Or is it his wanting to bomb any nation of brown people – except for Mexico, because McCain loooooves him some illegal alien.  Actually, electing Grandpa McCain would sort of be like re-electing a sweeter, humble version of Dubya. But who’s stupid enough to do that, right? Stay tuned.  I’m sure we’ll have some future posting on this blog that will most likely be titled, “Democrats manage to give election away before Republicans have to illegally steal it.” 

When he is not Wag the Dog’s Senior Political Correspondent, Bogart is incognito as a lazy mutt who naps all day.  When a political story happens, Bogart rushes to the nearest phone booth and pops a “Wag the Dog Super Energy Vitamin Pill,” which helps him remain unbiased in his reporting.  Hey, maybe Fox News would like to buy some pills from us?