Favre Retires (again?)

And Cheeseheads Cry (again) 

The most storied quarterback career in NFL history is coming to a close.

Brett FavreWag the Dog has learned that legendary quarterback Brett Favre has decided to retire. In fact, it’s believed he informed the Green Bay Packers of his decision within the last few days, although it’s unclear when Favre and the team will make his decision known.

Barrinng an unforeseen last-minute change of heart, Favre will leave the game after 17 years, during which he built himself into a household name and a figure synonymous with grit, toughness and perseverance.  After flirting with retirement for the last few years, Favre will finally go out on the heels of one of the best seasons of his career.  Or will he?

Wag the Dog has also dug up a juicy bone that tells us this supposed retirement smells of a ruse.  It’s a flea-flicker play designed to trick the rest of the NFL into discounting the Packers next season.  Unfortunately, Wag the Dog feels banking on Favre to play any more seasons is like a throwing a 65-yard Hail Mary pass on the last play of the SuperBowl – a last second act of desperation that will only cause beer-filled, brat-eatin’ Cheeseheads to fall to the ground clutching their chests.

Wag the Dog has obtained this exclusive photo proving Brett Favre isn’t going anywhere:

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“Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican”
By John Gray – Cincinnati, Ohio

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and (that they) work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he ha s a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before The Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad’s; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmer’s Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.  Otherwise, those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark.

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good.  The host doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.  So, Joe agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have”.

Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy

The Wag the Dog staff plans to hire these guys for our publisher.  He was born and raised a Conservative, so we think there’s still hope for him.

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

Hints from Heloise Lily the Beagle

Following is the first installment of “Ask Lily the Beagle”, Wag the Dog’s official advice column.

Dear Lily the Beagle:

I’m a lean, clean, handsome black labrador retriever living in the suburbs south of Minneapolis.  I really enjoy keeping in shape with long runs at my local dog park and the occasional dip in the park’s pond.  I’m especially fond of sniffing all the fine ass at the park.  And even though I no longer have my testicles, I’m still quite adept at tracking, retrieving and bringing home the ladies.  I don’t mean to brag, but I’m often complimented on my good looks, and the bitches can’t seem to get enough of me.  But, I’m having a bit of a pussy problem.  You see, I share a house with a cat named, Sammy.  Let’s just say Sammy is past his prime and has really let himself go.  He basically lies around the house all day and only ventures out of his bedroom when he wants to plop down atop the piano in the living room.  We’re roommates of convenience – I like having the extra help with mortgage, but neither of us is truly vested in our relationship.  Nonetheless, I care about Sammy even though he’s cramping my style.  My lady friends are always asking “what’s that smell?” whenever I bring them home from the dog park, and I’m truly worried I’ll find Sammy “expired” on top of the piano one day. But, in the meantime, is there anything you can suggest to help me freshen him up a bit?

Sincerely,

Stinky Pussy in Minneapolis

Dear SPiM:

Your story is absolutely gut-wrenching, and my heart goes out to you (and Sammy the Cat).  And when times get real tough, always remember there are worse things in life than a dead cat on your piano…  such as a diseased beaver on your organ.  But that’s a whole other topic.  So, I’m going to leave you with a handy way to revitalize your funky feline friend AND clean your toilet at the same time.  Follow these directions, and I guarantee it will clean Sammy right up… not to mention leave your toilet germ-free.  Oh, and by the way, any resemblance these instructions have to an email circulating on the Internet is purely coincidental:

1.  Lift both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2.  Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.  Please note you might need to sit on the lid upon closing.

4.  The cat will self agitate and make ample suds inside the bowl.  Pay no attention to the noises coming from the toilet.  Loud noises simply means the process is working, plus, the cat actually enjoys this. 

5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a “power wash-n-rinse” cycle.

6.  Have someone open the front door of your house and make sure there are no other dogs or people between the bathroom and the front door.

7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

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Good luck!

Lily the Beagle

Words matter…

Charges of plagiarism reach hypocritical levels

In other news… 

Here’s Bill O’Reilly (Fox News tool) calling it like he sees it.  Bravo, Bill!

Mike Huckabee – Legitimate Candidate or Dingleberry?

Republican presidential candidate holds on a little too long

Mike Huckabee hasn’t won a Republican Primary since February 9th, but last night – after losing (again) in Wisconsin and Washington – the Huckster told anyone who will listen that he plans to stay in the race for the Republican nomination for President of the United States because “the foot soldiers of the Republican Party, the conservatives in the Republican Party, need to make sure their voices aren’t shut out.”  This is a statement only a true dingleberry could – or would – make.  Frankly, we’re surprised Mitt Romney didn’t think of it.

dingleberry.jpgdingleberry is a dried piece of fecal matter clinging to the hairs around your anus.  No matter how hard you try to shake a dingleberry loose, it stays put.  It’s a condition that most often afflicts long-haired dogs, but dingleberries are also commonly found in hairy humans (like our Uncle Kermit).  Typically, “dingleberry shears” are used to remove the poop-encrusted hairs.  Around our doghouse, dingleberry shears are small orange-handled Fiskar brand scissors; however, most any common household scissor dingleberry-shears.jpgcan be used for dingleberry removal purposes.  Just make sure the blades are sharp enough to cut thick hair.  Oh, and don’t forget to disinfect the shears after use in case one of your handlers also uses the Fiskars to cut her split ends.  But in Huckabees case, we’re not sure any kind of shears will do the trick.  That fella isn’t goin’ anywhere!

John “Grumpy Old Man” McCain is growing increasingly furious with the fact Huckabee’s still in the race.  An anonymous source has told Wag the Dog that McCain was overheard telling Huckabee via a phone dingleberry-mccain.jpgcall “don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”  After slamming down the phone, the aged Arizona senator then turned green, tore off his suit, tie, shirt and shoes before jumping out a window and running off into a freak February Wisconsin rainstorm.   The McCain Campaign has neither confirmed nor denied this report, probably because we haven’t bothered to contact them for a comment, so we’re just gonna assume it really happened.

Since Conservatives can’t seem to find a candidate they like, Wag the Dog would like to politely invite all Conservatives to stay home this November when it’s time to vote for President.  Seriously.  Does the name George W. Bush mean anything to you?  Don’t you feel at least A LITTLE bit guilty for voting for him… twice?  You really need to sit this next one out.  Seriously.  Go grab a cup of coffee or something, and we’ll talk again in eight years.

Bogart is Wag the Dog’s Chief Political Correspondent.  He resides in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, where he’s been living dingleberry-free since 2005.

Cartoonbank.com

This blogging thing is for the birds…

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A Crap-tastic Holiday!

Our calendar is telling us today is something called “Presidents’ Day” in the United States.  Therefore, in order to observe this great holiday, most of the Wag the Dog staff has decided to take the day off and nap all day.  Except for Ole, our Investigative Jounalist, who’s interested in learning more about this peculiar holiday.bush_rushmore.gif  Since it’s “Presidents’ Day”, our assumption is that today is a holiday used to recognize and honor all the great presidents of the past… and present?  So, there’s a good chance we’ll be honoring G.W. Bush by wandering through the streets scaring our neighbors by screaming, “the terrorists are coming to kill you… you are not safe… you must protect yourself… vote Republican or die!”  Afterwards, we’ll go clear some brush off the Back Forty (as soon as we actually locate our Back Forty). 

Or, perhaps we’ll honor Dubya by going shopping!  He still wants us to shop in between our the-terrorists-are-coming panic attacks, right? We all need new mattresses for our doggie beds anyway, and we hear there’s a good sale today.  So, Happy Presidents’ Day everybody… and happy shopping for crap you probably don’t need!

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