Category Archives: humor

Sarah Palin: Me Talk Pretty One Day

In true Wag the Dog Blog style, I’m providing my analysis of last Thursday night’s VP debate about four days late.  What can I say?  I’ve been busy… busy watching mindless Right Wing hacks (I believe they call themselves “pundits” and/or “Republican strategists”) try their darndest to convince me that Governor Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President of the United States.  Some even say — with a straight face mind you — that she is even more qualified to be president than Senator Barack Obama is.  Seriously?  So you’re saying a person is qualified to be president if their resume includes:  local TV sports anchor, four (4) years on a city council, six (6) years as a mayor of a town of 9,000 residents, and two (2) years as governor of a state of 650,000 people?  Really?  And would you still feel this way if I told you that you just described Jesse Ventura’s experience?  Well, Ventura actually has MORE experience than Palin… you see, instead of “local TV sports anchor” Ventura was “cross-dressing pro wrestler”, he was the mayor of a Minnesota community of approx. 72,000 people for four (4) years before a he was a one-term Governor of Minnesota (population 5M+ residents).   So, I want to see Karl Rove’s treasonous ass on Fox News espousing the virtues of the depth and breadth of Jesse Ventura’s “executive” experience.

Anyway, what intrigues me most is how wildly popular Governor Palin is and how someone could watch the VP debate and actually come away from the experience firmly believing Palin won.  By what standard are these people measuring Palin’s performance?  Sure, for a “hocky mom”, she kicked ass.  And even for a “small town mayor” and city council member, she performed very well.  As a half-term governor of one of the least populated states in the nation, Palin’s performance was at best passable.  But as a candidate for the second highest office in the land, she was horrifyingly bad.  The fact that she didn’t puke all over herself seems to be enough for most of the Right Wing pundits to pronounce the debate a “victory” (sort of like George Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” fiasco of 2003).  It’s obvious Palin had her talking points memorized, and she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of delivering them (not even those pesky questions from moderator, Gwen Ifill). As columnist Bob Herbert wrote, “For Ms. Palin, such things as context, syntax and the proximity of answers to questions have no meaning.” [source]  And I heard today that Governor Palin should be renamed “Governor Palindrome” because her sentences make as much sense backwards as they do forward.  I highly recommend the David Sedaris book, Me Talk Pretty One Day, to Ms. Palin.  It might help her in her career.  In the meantime, enjoy this flowchart I found after the VP debate.

Anyway, my theory for Governor Palin’s popularity did not take much thought.  In fact, I assume most of my readers agree it’s not hard to figure out why she’s able to draw larger crowds than McCain.  Let’s face it – McCain is 72 years old going on 103.  He’s old, dusty and is pastier than the freeze-dried dog turds I find in my backyard after the spring thaw each year (and he’s even less inspiring than those turds).  And in light of the talking points the McCain campaign handed Palin after the VP debate (you know the ones designed to scare the sh!t out of you by linking Obama to terrorism), it’s more accurate to refer to her crowd of admirers as a “lynch mob.”  It seems as though “radical” is the new “N-word” in 2008 because the McCain campaign, with the help of douchebags like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, are trying very hard to convince you that Obama is “too radical” to lead.

Here’s my theory.  Palin supporters can be divided into four (4) general categories:

1) Someone living in what I call “The Mullet Zone”.  The Mullet Zone consists of the entire Bible Belt and extends directly northward from Oklahoma through Kansas, Nebraska and the Dakotas… then creeps eastward through parts of Minnesota into the Rust Belt… plus, it includes pretty much all of Alaska.  Mostly middle- or working-class folk, these are the very people for whom the Democratic party platform is meant to help.  But while they are apparently not bitter (who would say such a thing, right?), these folk tend to only worry about the government takin’ their guns away… or they vote solely on one issue (that’d be abortion)… and they are deathly afraid of homosexuals (not to mention people of color).  To them, wearing a flag pin, waving a flag, or calling Senator Obama a “terrorist” is way more patriotic than educating themselves on issues of great importance to the future of our country (which is why they’d blindly vote for a ridiculously unprepared person who is “one 72 year old cancer survivor’s heartbeat away from the presidency…”).  The Daily Show with Jon Stewart actually went to Wasilla, Alaska, and interviewed some of these fine folks (no offense to my Alaskan pal, Sir Blue LeDeux and his family… I know y’all don’t live in Wasilla, so I figured it’s alright posting this).

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2) Young, low-information voters who are primarily males that think of Palin more as a MILF than they do as a potential VP.  They sit around playing drinking games during the debates (shot-gunning a beer each time Palin or McCain says “maverick” or “victory”).  They high-five each other and say the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill!” each time Ms. Palin gives the camera a wink and a nod.  Adding, “I’d hit that!”

3) Men who are similar to #2 above minus the part about the drinking game.  These guys are typically middle-aged or retired, but not in every case… some are simply lonely and all of them are angry.  They all thought Ms. Palin was winking at them during the debate.  It’s likely most of these fellows could have been found last Thursday night sitting in their underwear in front of the TV enjoying a bag of Cheetos while watching the VP debate.  And, you guessed it… their tighty whiteys had a nice orange hue following the airing.  Case in point, National Review columnist Rich Lowry…


4) Die hard Republicans who will never vote outside their party, even if it means four more years of doom and gloom for them, their children and grandchildren.  Thanks, Grandma…

And to steal a page from the Republican Fear-mongering Handbook, let me show you what’s hanging in the halls of the Minnesota State Capitol building.  Now imagine this is a picture of Sarah Louise Heath Palin hanging in the Oval Office of The White House.  If this doesn’t scare you, then nothing will… but I’ll try to find ya some other reasons to be fearful, and I’ll bring ’em to ya… “Maverick”.

If you’ve got a spare 10 minutes, then enjoy this Keith Olbermann Special Comment about Governor Palin…

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more about “Countdown with Keith OlbermannCountdo…“, posted with vodpod

McCain cries, “What have I done?!?!”

Put a sweater on, Old Man!

I just finished checking the pressure of all the tires on our family vehicles, including Claire’s Jeep brand stroller. Plus, I think Momma has a 50,000 mile tune-up scheduled for her Nazi-wagen Passat, so I think we’re all set. But, I’ve been meaning to blog about Obama’s crazy idea about oil conservation… you know, the one where he says keeping your car tires inflated and engine properly maintained will increase fuel efficiency, thereby helping to lower gas consumption. I mean, where does he get this load of crap and why does he think anyone would actually take personal responsibility to help conserve energy? Someone needs to remind Obama about Jimmy Carter and his cardigan sweater (Google it, folks!). Besides, any educated person – as well as Right Wing lunatics like Newt Gingrich – can tell you that the only way forward is to drill here and drill now! We can drill our way to energy independence in no time, my friends… right after we “win the wars in Iraq… Afghanistan… Iran… Syria…”, give every American a house, kick all the Mexicans out of the country, and teach McCain about the Internets. I actually support domestic drilling (such as on the 68 million untapped acres already permitted to the oil companies), and that’s why I plan to start drilling in our backyard. The feds seems to enjoy handing out billions of dollars in tax credits and other incentives to anyone willing to drill, so I’m on-board with this plan. Plus, there’s a good chance I might find that steak bone I buried out there last spring that has gone missing… probably stolen by a squirrel.

Anyway, I did some research and found more information about Obama’s insane (not to be confused with “McCain”) automotive maintenance tips. Leave it to Stephen Colbert to set the record straight HERE.

Here Comes An American Patriot!

Nope.  It’s actually just a huge douchebag in a golf cart…

WAG THE DOG Quiz of the Day:

What is the best way to show your patriotism for America and support of the troops?

A) Give up golfing (or at least SAY you have given up golf and hope nobody takes your picture while you’re on the tee box with your daddy).

B) Call George W. Bush a “huge douchebag” as often as possible… or just say nothing and let Dubya speak for you.

Apply Liberally

“Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican”
By John Gray – Cincinnati, Ohio

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and (that they) work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he ha s a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before The Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad’s; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmer’s Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.  Otherwise, those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark.

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good.  The host doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.  So, Joe agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have”.

Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy

The Wag the Dog staff plans to hire these guys for our publisher.  He was born and raised a Conservative, so we think there’s still hope for him.

A Crap-tastic Holiday!

Our calendar is telling us today is something called “Presidents’ Day” in the United States.  Therefore, in order to observe this great holiday, most of the Wag the Dog staff has decided to take the day off and nap all day.  Except for Ole, our Investigative Jounalist, who’s interested in learning more about this peculiar holiday.bush_rushmore.gif  Since it’s “Presidents’ Day”, our assumption is that today is a holiday used to recognize and honor all the great presidents of the past… and present?  So, there’s a good chance we’ll be honoring G.W. Bush by wandering through the streets scaring our neighbors by screaming, “the terrorists are coming to kill you… you are not safe… you must protect yourself… vote Republican or die!”  Afterwards, we’ll go clear some brush off the Back Forty (as soon as we actually locate our Back Forty). 

Or, perhaps we’ll honor Dubya by going shopping!  He still wants us to shop in between our the-terrorists-are-coming panic attacks, right? We all need new mattresses for our doggie beds anyway, and we hear there’s a good sale today.  So, Happy Presidents’ Day everybody… and happy shopping for crap you probably don’t need!


Love Bites Wag the Dog Publisher in the butt!

The following is an excerpt from the personal blog of Wag the Dog Editor & Chief Barker, Bogart.  We’re too lazy looking for some Valentine’s Day lovin’ to post a real news story today, so sue us.  As you may or may not know, Bogart lives with Wag the Dog Publisher, B.A. Stewart (AKA “Stew”).  The post below includes a Valentine’s Day note our publisher’s wife wrote.  Let us know what you think.  Like the widget on the right side of the page says, “Leave a comment, or the kitty gets it!”



Be My Valentine… or Get Out!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody… even you cats out there. Valentine’s Day at our house is going to be interesting, to say the least. At least Grandma Helen will be here. She’s passing through town on her way back from a telecommunications conference in New Orleans (she’s on the Board of Directors of her local telephone co-op in SD). Anyway, I’m hoping she brings me something fun from my hometown (i.e., a doggie t-shirt that reads, “I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was… GONE!”). So, Grandma and Aunt Karen are going to babysit Claire while Momma and Stew go out on a date. They’re going to go see the movie “No Country for Old Men”, a real love-story… if you like serial killers and violence. You guessed it — Stew chose the movie they’d be seeing (but only because Uncle Peter Karl said the movie is “most excellent”). Anyway, since I don’t share any of the HUNDREDS of dollars I’ve earned taking online surveys with Stew, the only money he has is actually Momma’s money. Therefore, the couple decided to skip on buying Valentine’s Day cards. Instead, they plan to give each other hand-made Valentines. That said, I’ve posted a picture of Stew’s Valentine to Momma above. As you can see, he obviously spent a lot of time and put a lot of thought into it.

Moving on, let me just say that I’m not a snoop. Really. I am not. But I do follow Claire around the house to insure she doesn’t get herself into any danger. I mean, somebody has to keep an eye on her since Stew is always lying on the front stoop in his Members Only jacket taking a nap. Anyway, Claire REALLY likes to wander into the master bedroom. Underneath the bed on Momma’s side sits a basket that contains Momma’s journal, plus a bunch of different books Momma likes to read before bedtime. Anyway, this basket is a Claire magnet. If the master bedroom door is open, you will find Claire inside digging in this basket, which is what happened this morning. Claire had books strewn all over the floor beside the bed. They were everywhere ’cause Momma really likes to read and has lots of books, especially books about business and how to become an effective CEO. I was about to grab Claire by the back of her shirt to carry her out of the room when I saw what appeared to be Momma’s love letter to Stew. Since Momma’s a business executive, the letter appeared to be a bit formal for Valentine’s Day, but what do I know? Anyway, I probably shouldn’t do this but I’m reprinting it for y’all here. Let me know what you think.

To My Dearest Stew,

First off, please allow me to express my love and gratitude for your nearly nine years of service to our marriage. I appreciate your support and participation in this endeavor, and I want you to know how much I enjoy your companionship.

On June 4, 2006, we drafted a resolution together that gave you the authority to resign from your position as a professional salesman of high-quality furniture at a modest price. The basis of our joint resolution was to allow you to become a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) upon the arrival of our first born child (now known as “Claire”). On June 15, 2006, you acted on said resolution and gave 6-months notice of resignation to your employer. Your official last day of employment was December 15, 2006. Furthermore, after my maternity leave expired on January 7, 2007, you became the sole primary caregiver for Claire.

Section 1.3.5 of our joint resolution specifically states that while your primary responsibility will be taking care of our child (or children), you will also actively pursue revenue-generating resources (such as, writing your first book, becoming a freelance writer, or starting your own at-home business). In fact, we set a goal that after 12 months, you would be bringing in enough revenue to cover mortgage expenditures. However, to date, very little – if anything – has been done to move this goal forward. The attached pie charts illustrate both the lack of effort and progress on your part toward the accomplishment of our goal of reintroducing a second income into our household revenue stream. After completing an extensive cost-benefit analysis of this situation, I’ve come to the conclusion that more attention on my part is required in order to facilitate action on your part.

Therefore, consider this Valentine as your official 90-day notice that unless you show more initiative and progress related to the advancement of Section 1.3.5 of our resolution, I will have no choice but to request that you resign your SAHD position and return to the workforce.

Additionally, please be advised that I am open to the consideration of replacing you with a younger, leaner, more virile and physically appealing male companion should you fail to improve your performance within the 90-day probationary period I’m granting.

In the meantime, allow me to again express my deepest love and affection for you. It’s my sincere hope you take this Valentine to heart and begin showing more initiative. I don’t want to lose you but, if forced to do so, I will dismiss you from your matrimonial obligations.

All my love,
Your Schnookums