Sarah Palin: Me Talk Pretty One Day

In true Wag the Dog Blog style, I’m providing my analysis of last Thursday night’s VP debate about four days late.  What can I say?  I’ve been busy… busy watching mindless Right Wing hacks (I believe they call themselves “pundits” and/or “Republican strategists”) try their darndest to convince me that Governor Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President of the United States.  Some even say — with a straight face mind you — that she is even more qualified to be president than Senator Barack Obama is.  Seriously?  So you’re saying a person is qualified to be president if their resume includes:  local TV sports anchor, four (4) years on a city council, six (6) years as a mayor of a town of 9,000 residents, and two (2) years as governor of a state of 650,000 people?  Really?  And would you still feel this way if I told you that you just described Jesse Ventura’s experience?  Well, Ventura actually has MORE experience than Palin… you see, instead of “local TV sports anchor” Ventura was “cross-dressing pro wrestler”, he was the mayor of a Minnesota community of approx. 72,000 people for four (4) years before a he was a one-term Governor of Minnesota (population 5M+ residents).   So, I want to see Karl Rove’s treasonous ass on Fox News espousing the virtues of the depth and breadth of Jesse Ventura’s “executive” experience.

Anyway, what intrigues me most is how wildly popular Governor Palin is and how someone could watch the VP debate and actually come away from the experience firmly believing Palin won.  By what standard are these people measuring Palin’s performance?  Sure, for a “hocky mom”, she kicked ass.  And even for a “small town mayor” and city council member, she performed very well.  As a half-term governor of one of the least populated states in the nation, Palin’s performance was at best passable.  But as a candidate for the second highest office in the land, she was horrifyingly bad.  The fact that she didn’t puke all over herself seems to be enough for most of the Right Wing pundits to pronounce the debate a “victory” (sort of like George Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” fiasco of 2003).  It’s obvious Palin had her talking points memorized, and she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of delivering them (not even those pesky questions from moderator, Gwen Ifill). As columnist Bob Herbert wrote, “For Ms. Palin, such things as context, syntax and the proximity of answers to questions have no meaning.” [source]  And I heard today that Governor Palin should be renamed “Governor Palindrome” because her sentences make as much sense backwards as they do forward.  I highly recommend the David Sedaris book, Me Talk Pretty One Day, to Ms. Palin.  It might help her in her career.  In the meantime, enjoy this flowchart I found after the VP debate.

Anyway, my theory for Governor Palin’s popularity did not take much thought.  In fact, I assume most of my readers agree it’s not hard to figure out why she’s able to draw larger crowds than McCain.  Let’s face it – McCain is 72 years old going on 103.  He’s old, dusty and is pastier than the freeze-dried dog turds I find in my backyard after the spring thaw each year (and he’s even less inspiring than those turds).  And in light of the talking points the McCain campaign handed Palin after the VP debate (you know the ones designed to scare the sh!t out of you by linking Obama to terrorism), it’s more accurate to refer to her crowd of admirers as a “lynch mob.”  It seems as though “radical” is the new “N-word” in 2008 because the McCain campaign, with the help of douchebags like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, are trying very hard to convince you that Obama is “too radical” to lead.

Here’s my theory.  Palin supporters can be divided into four (4) general categories:

1) Someone living in what I call “The Mullet Zone”.  The Mullet Zone consists of the entire Bible Belt and extends directly northward from Oklahoma through Kansas, Nebraska and the Dakotas… then creeps eastward through parts of Minnesota into the Rust Belt… plus, it includes pretty much all of Alaska.  Mostly middle- or working-class folk, these are the very people for whom the Democratic party platform is meant to help.  But while they are apparently not bitter (who would say such a thing, right?), these folk tend to only worry about the government takin’ their guns away… or they vote solely on one issue (that’d be abortion)… and they are deathly afraid of homosexuals (not to mention people of color).  To them, wearing a flag pin, waving a flag, or calling Senator Obama a “terrorist” is way more patriotic than educating themselves on issues of great importance to the future of our country (which is why they’d blindly vote for a ridiculously unprepared person who is “one 72 year old cancer survivor’s heartbeat away from the presidency…”).  The Daily Show with Jon Stewart actually went to Wasilla, Alaska, and interviewed some of these fine folks (no offense to my Alaskan pal, Sir Blue LeDeux and his family… I know y’all don’t live in Wasilla, so I figured it’s alright posting this).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

2) Young, low-information voters who are primarily males that think of Palin more as a MILF than they do as a potential VP.  They sit around playing drinking games during the debates (shot-gunning a beer each time Palin or McCain says “maverick” or “victory”).  They high-five each other and say the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill!” each time Ms. Palin gives the camera a wink and a nod.  Adding, “I’d hit that!”

3) Men who are similar to #2 above minus the part about the drinking game.  These guys are typically middle-aged or retired, but not in every case… some are simply lonely and all of them are angry.  They all thought Ms. Palin was winking at them during the debate.  It’s likely most of these fellows could have been found last Thursday night sitting in their underwear in front of the TV enjoying a bag of Cheetos while watching the VP debate.  And, you guessed it… their tighty whiteys had a nice orange hue following the airing.  Case in point, National Review columnist Rich Lowry…


4) Die hard Republicans who will never vote outside their party, even if it means four more years of doom and gloom for them, their children and grandchildren.  Thanks, Grandma…

And to steal a page from the Republican Fear-mongering Handbook, let me show you what’s hanging in the halls of the Minnesota State Capitol building.  Now imagine this is a picture of Sarah Louise Heath Palin hanging in the Oval Office of The White House.  If this doesn’t scare you, then nothing will… but I’ll try to find ya some other reasons to be fearful, and I’ll bring ’em to ya… “Maverick”.

If you’ve got a spare 10 minutes, then enjoy this Keith Olbermann Special Comment about Governor Palin…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Countdown with Keith OlbermannCountdo…“, posted with vodpod

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s