Heloise Lily the Beagle
Following is the first installment of “Ask Lily the Beagle”, Wag the Dog’s official advice column.
Dear Lily the Beagle:
I’m a lean, clean, handsome black labrador retriever living in the suburbs south of Minneapolis. I really enjoy keeping in shape with long runs at my local dog park and the occasional dip in the park’s pond. I’m especially fond of sniffing all the fine ass at the park. And even though I no longer have my testicles, I’m still quite adept at tracking, retrieving and bringing home the ladies. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m often complimented on my good looks, and the bitches can’t seem to get enough of me. But, I’m having a bit of a pussy problem. You see, I share a house with a cat named, Sammy. Let’s just say Sammy is past his prime and has really let himself go. He basically lies around the house all day and only ventures out of his bedroom when he wants to plop down atop the piano in the living room. We’re roommates of convenience – I like having the extra help with mortgage, but neither of us is truly vested in our relationship. Nonetheless, I care about Sammy even though he’s cramping my style. My lady friends are always asking “what’s that smell?” whenever I bring them home from the dog park, and I’m truly worried I’ll find Sammy “expired” on top of the piano one day. But, in the meantime, is there anything you can suggest to help me freshen him up a bit?
Stinky Pussy in Minneapolis
Your story is absolutely gut-wrenching, and my heart goes out to you (and Sammy the Cat). And when times get real tough, always remember there are worse things in life than a dead cat on your piano… such as a diseased beaver on your organ. But that’s a whole other topic. So, I’m going to leave you with a handy way to revitalize your funky feline friend AND clean your toilet at the same time. Follow these directions, and I guarantee it will clean Sammy right up… not to mention leave your toilet germ-free. Oh, and by the way, any resemblance these instructions have to an email circulating on the Internet is purely coincidental:
1. Lift both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Please note you might need to sit on the lid upon closing.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds inside the bowl. Pay no attention to the noises coming from the toilet. Loud noises simply means the process is working, plus, the cat actually enjoys this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash-n-rinse” cycle.
6. Have someone open the front door of your house and make sure there are no other dogs or people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Lily the Beagle