BEL AIR, CA – A high-profile Bel Air family seeks to regain the title of Most Dysfunctional Family in Hollywood. The Jed Clampett Family – better known as The Beverly Hillbillies – is planning an all-out assault on Britney Spears and her family who, according to Jed Clampett, stole their claim to this seemingly profitable position in the entertainment world.
Jed Clampett claims, “We were the original hillbillies to move to this here town and, dad gummit, we sure as shootin’ ain’t about to let some Louisiana loons move in on our turf. When we moved here from the (Ozark) mountains back in 1961, we were the only hillbillies in town, and this town ain’t big enough for two sets of Beverly Hillbillies!”
Prior to today, the Clampetts have lived in relative obscurity. In 1981, CBS aired a made-for-TV movie about the family that was panned by critics, mainly for its inaccuracies. However, the unsuccessful movie did little to damage the family’s ranking as the most socially impaired kinfolk in Hollywood. At that time, Hollywood had the occasional child actor being found passed-out in a pool of urine behind a local Walgreen’s drug store, but nothing as salacious as today’s wayward stars and starlets who treat rehab like a trip to the spa… or Starbuck’s.
In 1993, 20th Century Fox Studios produced a movie about the family for the big screen. But despite failing miserably at the box office, the movie didn’t put a dent in the Clampett’s reputation as the leading maladjusted family. Even the purposeless duo of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, who started becoming tabloid fodder in the late 1990’s, could not phase the Clampett’s stature.
Jed Clampett, grimaces while sharing his thoughts on Paris and Nicole. “Don’t get me started on them two! First off, what kinda upbringin’ did these two get? Paris Hilton is hornier than a two-peckered billy goat and runs around town showin’ more meat than a butcher’s window. She has no class. Besides, she comes from old money, so we consider her to be white trash rather than a hillbilly.”
Continuing his rant on Paris and her BFF, Nicole Richie, Jed commented, “They’re just spoiled rich girls who are wilder than a peach orchard boar, and they are a dime a dozen out here. They’re famous just for bein’ rich and stupid, and that’s something I can’t quite figure.” Not sensing the irony of his statement, Jed went on to predict that one – or both – of the girls would eventually “…give the wrong fella a bad rash.” And commenting on the Paris Hilton sex tape scandal, Jed had this sage advice for young Paris. “A young gal shouldn’t record herself acting friskier than a flea on a fat dog. Then sending it over the Interlink thingamajig for the whole world to see her bedroom talents – or lack thereof. Strictly speakin’, them’s the kinda things a man likes to find out for himself.”
But nothing raises the ire of Jed Clampett more than the mere mention of the name “Britney Spears”.
“That girl is either crazier than a shithouse rat or smarter than a tree full of owls,” commented Jed, undoubtedly referring to Britney’s odd behavior as of late. He went on to say that if Britney is truly sick or addicted to drugs that he hopes she gets help, but he wonders if it’s all a con to benefit from the absurd paparazzi attention. “Them paparnazis are lower than a well digger’s heel. They’ll do anything to sell a picture to them gossip magazines. I almost feel sorry for Britney.” However, Jed remains mystified by Britney’s success despite what he perceives to be a lack of any talent on the part of Ms. Spears. “If talent was lard, that girl wouldn’t have enough to grease a skillet. But she’s got more money than me and Mr. Drysdale put together. Now, that’s either luck or pure genius.”
It’s true. Recent court documents suggest she’s amassed a $125 million fortune and continues to rake in about $737,000 a month, or nearly $9 million a year. But she is only a small part of her Britney Industrial Complex. A lot of other parties are getting rich off her hillbilliness [source]:
Estimated annual take for record company, promoters, licensers and others: $30 – $40 million
Estimated average annual take for paparazzi agencies: $4 million
Estimated average annual take by media publications: $75 million
Estimated average annual take by K-Fed: $1 million
Estimated annual value of the Britney Spears economy: $110 – $120 million
According to Jed, “Tryin’ to figure out how someone with such little talent can make the living she has for herself is like droppin’ your bucket down a dry well. At some point, you just scratch your head and wonder ‘why bother’?”
Jed confessed to spending a lot of time whittling on the front stoop of his mansion while thinking about how to knock the Spears family out of the limelight and thrust the Clampetts back into it. And while Jed refused to divulge the exact details of his plans, he did share a glimpse when he stated, “It’s lookin’ like we’ll need to stoop lower than a hog’s jowl on market day.” When asked to clarify his statement, Jed went on to say, “Today’s society seems to get as happy as an itchy pig rubbin’ against a rail fence whenever a new celebrity sexual type recording is mysteriously released to the public.” When pushed for more details as to any plans for a sex tape of his own, Jed asked, “Need I remind you that my daughter, Elly, has more curves than a goat’s path, plus she can get critters to do things no one else can?” Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, Jed added, “I reckon’ we’ve got the fixins for a tape that would cause more racket than a jackass in a tin barn… and that’s just for starters.”
Then Jed started to really open up. He went on to explain how his mother-in-law – the shotgun-toting Daisy Moses, who goes by the name “Granny” – will become unknowingly involved in his scheme for media attention. “Granny fancies herself as quite the M.D. (mountain doctor),” said Jed, referring to Granny’s comprehensive knowledge of herbs, potions and tonics. Jed’s plan involves convincing Granny to become a crystal meth cooker. Here’s how Jed explains it, “The way I see it, Granny’ll be cookin’ up some shabu one day and will get hooked on it after testing its potencification. The next day she’ll be ampin’ and, with her proclivity for guns, will eventually find her way into a stand-off with the local PO-lice after she gets caught stickin’ up the corner drugstore while tryin’ to score some pseudoephedrine.” Adding, “If we’re lucky, there’ll be some of them TV news whirly birds in the sky filmin’ the whole mess.”
When asked how his nephew, Jethro Bodine, will be involved in the Clampett plot, Jed’s eyes got real big and a wide smile grew across his face. “That’s the beauty of the whole plan,” said Jed. “Since both them Spears girls seem to be totin’ water with a leaky bucket, I figure Jethro – with his sixth grade education – is smart enough to fool one of ‘em into sparkin’him.” Jed wouldn’t divulge the remainder of this plan, but he hinted it would involve embezzlement or extortion or both.
Since Britney has a lot more money than her sister, and likely has a lot more in common with Jethro, and is (at the time of publishing this article) not known to be pregnant, Jed feels she is the better mark. Plus, in certain circles, Jethro is known to be quite the “woodsman” and, as Jed put it, “…will keep Britney squawking like a two-pound chicken laying a three-pound egg.” And if Jed’s scheme goes as planned, Britney will be laying many three-pound golden eggs. Jed’s justification being, “Everybody else is gettin’ rich off her, why not me? Besides, Jethro will be happier than a cat at a fish fry partakin’ in all the sex type activities and such. I reckon he won’t even care that Britney is batt-shit crazy.”
As for Jed, he says that after he topples the Spears Empire, he’s got his sights set on those pesky Lohans. But first, he plans to write a tell-all book on raising celebrity children. When it’s pointed out to him that Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, already has such a book in the works, a wise-sounding Jed equates such a book to a possum dinner, “That’s the thing about salted down possum belly, it’s just as good the second day. If folks are dumb enough to buy her book, they’ll certainly buy mine.”