Mike Huckabee – Legitimate Candidate or Dingleberry?

Republican presidential candidate holds on a little too long

Mike Huckabee hasn’t won a Republican Primary since February 9th, but last night – after losing (again) in Wisconsin and Washington – the Huckster told anyone who will listen that he plans to stay in the race for the Republican nomination for President of the United States because “the foot soldiers of the Republican Party, the conservatives in the Republican Party, need to make sure their voices aren’t shut out.”  This is a statement only a true dingleberry could – or would - make.  Frankly, we’re surprised Mitt Romney didn’t think of it.

A dingleberry is a dried piece of fecal matter clinging to the hairs around your anus.  No matter how hard you try to shake a dingleberry loose, it stays put.  It’s a condition that most often afflicts long-haired dogs, but dingleberries are also commonly found in hairy humans (like our Uncle Kermit).  Typically, “dingleberry shears” are used to remove the poop-encrusted hairs.  Around our doghouse, dingleberry shears are small orange-handled Fiskar brand scissors; however, most any common household scissor can be used for dingleberry removal purposes.  Just make sure the blades are sharp enough to cut thick hair.  Oh, and don’t forget to disinfect the shears after use in case one of your handlers also uses the Fiskars to cut her split ends.  But in Huckabees case, we’re not sure any kind of shears will do the trick.  That fella isn’t goin’ anywhere!

John “Grumpy Old Man” McCain is growing increasingly furious with the fact Huckabee’s still in the race.  An anonymous source has told Wag the Dog that McCain was overheard telling Huckabee via a phone call “don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”  After slamming down the phone, the aged Arizona senator then turned green, tore off his suit, tie, shirt and shoes before jumping out a window and running off into a freak February Wisconsin rainstorm.   The McCain Campaign has neither confirmed nor denied this report, probably because we haven’t bothered to contact them for a comment, so we’re just gonna assume it really happened.

Since Conservatives can’t seem to find a candidate they like, Wag the Dog would like to politely invite all Conservatives to stay home this November when it’s time to vote for President.  Seriously.  Does the name George W. Bush mean anything to you?  Don’t you feel at least A LITTLE bit guilty for voting for him… twice?  You really need to sit this next one out.  Seriously.  Go grab a cup of coffee or something, and we’ll talk again in eight years.

Bogart is Wag the Dog’s Chief Political Correspondent.  He resides in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, where he’s been living dingleberry-free since 2005.

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